Dancing With Dualities

2007-12-30T11:08:00.000-08:00

Light-Dark, Inner-Outer, Us-Them, Individual-Collective, Local-Global, Masculine-Feminine, War-Peace, Introversion-Extroversion, Slow-Fast, Feeling-Thinking.

At year's end, the mixture of light and dark,
endings and beginnings, seem a natural time
to acknowledge the beautiful and creative
dance of duality, difference, and paradox
from which arise the myriad forms and
meanings of life. And this is only half the
story. We must also welcome the often
uncomfortable, sometimes intensely
painful dance of duality, difference and
paradox, from which arise conflict, violence
and death. Duality is a "love - hate"
relationship.

Most of you have probably heard the story of
the child who asks the Elder which of the
wolves within him will win the battle - the one
that is loving and kind or the one that is angry
and violent. The Elder replies "whichever
one you feed."

The New Year is a common time to reflect,
dream into the future and set intentions
as to which of our wolves we will feed in
2008. I would like to add yet another wolf
that you may choose to feed: a
consciousness that transcends and
engages dualities in a way which opens a
portal for directly engaging our evolution as
human beings.

When we feed the third wolf we lift up above
the either/or, right/wrong,
democrat/republican mindsets to a viewing
point where the "opposite of one great truth
is another great truth" and both are
functioning aspects of a larger whole. To a
place where it becomes possible to "think
that which no one else has thought about
that which everyone sees" (Schopenhauer).
To "rise above the level at which the problem
was created" (Einstein) where we can
discover and create new possibilities for
ourselves and our world. This is the gift of
the "third wolf".

Yes, I know - much easier said than done!
I've lots of personal experience with my
preferences and biases about how I
focus my attention, what I think is better,
best, or the only way to go. I know that how I
relate to whatever is unfolding is always
directly related to what I think is true in
any given moment. This works fine as long
as there is agreement between my
preferences and those of others. However,
in the face of different ways of making
meaning, openness, curiosity, compassion
and wise choices can often transform into
conflict, tug-of-wars and a distinct need to be
right at all costs.

Often my need to be right overrides my need
to be in relationship. Quite suddenly I
am not like them. The sacred honoring of
I-Thou has disappeared into me-them and
the other has become an object separate
from me. When this happens it can be a
very short step to acting disrespectfully, even
violently. I stop listening. I may make unkind
statements or simply refuse to consider the
other's reality. Taken to an extreme we see
people kill others and themselves.

Our families, communities, organizations -
our whole world - are full of examples of the
me-them and us-them mindsets that result
from our different ways of making meaning
combined with an avid attachment to having
our way be the right way.

Some people say that this is simply the
human condition. Well, this is true. It is the
human condition. It is an aspect of our
reality. And, I believe that as humans
we have the capacity to intentionally engage
our own evolution. We can choose to
develop our capacity to transcend our
current dance with the dualities that are
sources of both creativity and pain. We can
develop the capacity to remain in
relationship, listening and communicating,
and knowing ourselves connected. We can
open doors for new ways to live creatively
with our differences.

So I say feed the "yes-and wolf", the
consciousness within you that is more
committed to remaining in relationship and
discovering new ways of thinking and being.
This is the wolf that will contribute to a world
where the 7th generation of our children's
children will thrive. Feed the consciousness
within you that knows how to dance with
duality and transcend it simultaneously.

I know this is possible. I have seen
individuals transcend dual positions and find
a third way forward. I have been privileged
to experience groups immersed in highly
disruptive occurrences who transcended the
fact that they had no shared way of making
meaning of what was happening, and went
on to create a source of wisdom and
learning moving forward.

Teillard de Chardin wrote "One day man will
harness the energies of Love and then we
will have discovered fire for a second time."
How do we invite this? By releasing our
need to be right. By choosing to remain in
relationship and continue to be genuinely
curious, to listen. By being willing to lift
and expand our consciousness to a place
that asks "what if both are true and deserve
to be honored?"

Ken Wilbur speaks of holons within holons.
Each holon or whole is nested within and is a
part of a larger holon or whole. Each time
you move to the next larger holon you gain a
new viewing point and new options You
could say there is a "holigargical" order in
which we are engaged and can choose to
navigate. Depending on our viewing point
our meaning making takes on different forms
and offers alternative possibilities.

There are many practices that can build our
capacity for transcending duality. Over the
past 20 years my practice of dialogue has
been for me one way of learning to
transcend duality for myself and others. The
more I learn about dialogue and collective
consciousness the more I value what I call
Holistic Dialogue. This is conversation
practiced with the specific intention of
opening gateways into progressive holons of
collective consciousness. Here the wolf that
feeds on transcending dualities and creating
new realities never goes hungry.

A few things I've found helpful in remaining present.

1) Breathe. If you take flight in the face of discomfort your breath will bring you more present by pulliing you out of retreat and back into your body. If you are a fighter the breath will bring you present by pulling you back and helping you return to yourself, your body and your center. Either way you will be more present and available to choose to engage.

2) "The opposite of every great truth is another great truth." I can't remember the author/ess and these words remind me of an optioin I have to lift myself from duality and consider what larger picture both truthes contribute to.

3) Experiment with releasing the need to be right - just for a temporary period of time. Observe what occurs in your conversations and engagement.

4) Each time you find yourself saying "yes-but" substitute "yes-and" and observe.

So, I'm curious about what you think about dualities in your life and how you relate with them. And please add your personal ways of centering and remaining connected in the presence of dualities that make you uncomforable.

Walking and Wondering

Dancing With Dualities